The Hard Truth About Being Tough
One of the most common things I see in my work with generational trauma is the value placed on being strong or tough. Quite often, what people mean when they say they wish they were tougher or they wish they were strong like grandma, is that they wish they could not be upset even though upsetting things are happening. Through this lens, to be upset is to be not tough, therefore, to be upset is to be weak. The belief that expressing emotion is weak is reinforced throughout society. We see it when people comment that younger generations are coddled. We see it when people are labeled as a cry baby and judged negatively. We see it in books and movies where not crying equates to bravery. Emotional expression can be associated with moral deficits such as being disrespectful or lazy. This can all lead to the high value placed on being viewed as tough.
The definition of tough can also bring in cultural values around gender norms or religious faith. For example, men are often raised to not show tears. Tearfulness is commonly associated with femininity and softness. Expressing anger is often more socially acceptable than sadness. Women also experience shame around tearfulness. Tearfulness can be dismissed as hormonal changes, overreacting or being manipulative. Women are often raised to be agreeable. Anger is not socially acceptable because to be angry means to be not agreeable. Tears are more socially acceptable than anger, but this emotional expression is still shamed if it is viewed as being inconvenient for others. In some communities, feeling upset is viewed as not having enough faith in God. Even though the gender norms are different, this leaves both men and women having their feelings minimized and dismissed.
If our feelings are not validated and expressed in meaningful and helpful ways, we internalize them. This means we can feel that there is something wrong with us for having normal emotions and this can impact our self-esteem and self-worth. It becomes hard to identify our emotions and to express them appropriately, but minimizing our feelings doesn’t mean they go away. They come out sideways. This can lead to mental health struggles such as depression or anxiety. It can also lead to relationship difficulties and substance use issues.
Tough is defined as being strong enough to withstand adverse conditions or careless handling. It can also mean enduring a period of hardship or difficulty or being a violent person. These definitions are clear, but they do not include the ways we might interpret them in society. Social norms are subject to change and definitions and concepts tend to get misapplied based on the powers involved. This is where things can get really complicated, so let’s break it down with a few examples to show what I mean by the confusion of tough and emotional expression.
First, let’s look at tough when we apply it to a person that is rough or violent. What image comes up? Maybe you are picturing certain people in your life. We typically think of a tough person as someone we wouldn’t want to mess with or someone we wouldn’t want to upset. If we have been hurt by other people, it makes sense that we might value being seen as tough in this way. If people see as a tough, then they would know not to mess with us. To be tough twists into being protected.
Next, let’s look at tough when we apply it to one’s ability to endure hardship or adverse conditions. Life can bring in numerous obstacles that none of us ask for or would choose. Survival is human instinct and life brings factors beyond our control. When we hear of someone experiencing hardship that we can’t possibly imagine, we often say things like “I don’t know how you are still standing. You are so strong.” We can end up crediting people for being tough as a personality trait or achievement when they happened to survive. They endured something they should not have had to. This can also serve as a protective measure. It can be hard to truly empathize with human suffering. Even imagining such hardships can be unbearable. If we view survivors as tough, we are protected from having to empathize with them too much. We are protected from feeling our own vulnerability and what we may or may not survive.
The definition of tough as it applies to withstanding adverse conditions or careless handling is interesting. When applied to objects, it can mean how well your product will still function if it is handled roughly such as a suitcase being tossed around carelessly in an airport or how sturdy a backpack might be for an arduous hiking trip. The adverse conditions and careless handling of humans however, that often means abuse. We can also use tough in this way to protect us from feeling pain and true empathy. Survivors of abuse may take pride in being tough as it can give them a sense of protection and control. People who hear about abuse may say that victims are tough because they can’t imagine experiencing the same thing. In either case, the pride associated with being tough can give credit to survivors without giving proper blame to the abuser. It also dismisses the fact that for someone to be tough- to endure hardship, to survive, that means they experienced something they should not have had to.
I think the argument could be made that too often, the symptoms we associate with mental health disorders are directly related to how we perceive one’s ability to function after being handled roughly, how TOUGH they are. It is a factor in the shame and stigma of seeking mental health treatment. To be tough means you should not need help. To need help means weakness. To not be able to get out of bed, to feel joy, to feel motivation means there is something wrong with an individual, they are not functioning well. They are not tough. This implies that they should be tough, therefore their personal weakness is their individual problem. In reality, these symptoms are often a normal response to prolonged stress or traumatic events. Within the mental health treatment world, this definition of tough also protects abusers and blames victims. While we all have accountability in our own healing, abusers tend to not seek treatment. Instead, it is the victims that are labeled as “crazy”.
When we have experienced hardship, but don’t fully recognize the role of the abuser, it makes it difficult to have empathy for others who express their feelings about what they have been through. This value in being tough serves as a type of armor around our brain. We don’t want to be hurt again. If we are tough, we won’t be hurt. This can also cause us to remain in a state of assessing our toughness against someone else’s. You cannot empathize with someone else’s experience if you are subconsciously waiting for someone to empathize with yours. If you are to remain tough, that often means minimizing the pain of our hardships. People will struggle to empathize with another’s pain if they struggle to identify their own.
What if we were to redefine what it means to be tough? What if instead of associating toughness with a rough exterior or someone who never cries or complains, we acknowledge how it is tough to feel discomfort? What if we acknowledge that it is tough when someone experiences hardship we can’t fix or truly understand? It is tough to want to help and not know how. It is tough to make changes even if we are guaranteed health and happiness on the other side. It is tough to try. It is tough to put ourselves out there. It is tough to shed the values and beliefs imposed on us in childhood even if they stop serving us as adults. It is tough to allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable when others can prey on those vulnerabilities.
Perhaps if we would learn to associate toughness with empathy, we could experience true emotional resilience. If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to allow others to be vulnerable, we can learn to externalize our emotions and experiences rather than allowing them to remain deep within us and making those negative emotions and experiences part of our identity. Perhaps being tough is being true to ourselves and putting the blame and shame where it belongs.
You know who doesn’t want that? Them. The people and the corporations who profit from our self-loathing and fear of rejection. The sales would plummet for the advertised products that imply we don’t deserve happiness unless we use their stuff. There would be fewer bars, fewer jails, and fewer predatory organizations. There would be less politicians telling us what we want to hear without intending to do anything. There would be less debt for things we never even really wanted. To make a dent in the status quo, we need to be tough.
Rayelle Davis is a Nationally Board Certified Counselor licensed in Maryland and West Virginia. She is an expert content reviewer for highered.com and a faculty trainer for the American Society of Addiction Medicine. Her research on the diseases of despair and Appalachia fuels her mission to build community centered around accurate and decolonized mental health education.
