Thinking About Thinking
Have you ever put much thought into how you think, what you think or why you think the things that you do? Did you know that just because you think something, that doesn’t mean it’s true? That just because you feel something that doesn’t mean what you think about it is true? Our thoughts contribute to our feelings and vice versa. Together this becomes how we see the world for better or worse. This can mean our brain is not doing the most accurate job. Let’s break down some common signs that your brain is lying to you and how that might be hurting your well-being. These signs pop up when we think or say the following words.
1- Should or Shouldn’t
The word “should” is usually a pretty good indicator that what you are going to think next might not be true. It shifts blame quick. “I shouldn’t need help. I must be a loser.” Or “Things should be this certain way!” when they aren’t. If you only think about how things should or shouldn’t be without following that up with examining why things are the way they are, you can keep yourself in a victimhood state for a long time. If things aren’t going how you think they should and you personalize it, like in the case of thinking you must be a loser because you shouldn’t need help, then you can start taking on a ton of guilt and shame and take things personally that really aren’t within your control. Overtime this can contribute to low self-esteem.
2- Always or Never
Always and never are two words around the same idea. They indicate somethings is absolute. Things are rarely so completely absolute that our ideas around always or never are accurate. Think about a common argument between a couple. “You NEVER take out the trash!” Well, if the partner took out trash even once, the never statement is not true. This can lead to the actual point, how the partner feels, to be missed. Maybe the partner is feeling unappreciated or overworked. The same can be said for always. “You ALWAYS make a mess!” That’s probably not true either, but it sure can feel like it. When things are stressful or when our mood is low, it can feel like things will “always” be this way or they will “never” get better. Always and never are not accurate because stressful times and low moods end eventually. It can make things feel hopeless and overtime this can lead to depression.
3- “Can’t”
One of the most common things I hear is “I can’t handle change.” Really? Is it that you can’t handle change, or that you prefer not to make changes? It’s rare to fully like change. Our brain generally likes what it knows, so when something is new it can put us on a high alert status. If you consistently think you can’t handle change, this can become one of your core beliefs and part of your identity that can shorten the experiences you have in your lifetime. When you recognize “can’t” see if you can replace it with “prefer not to” and see if some more options open up for you. You might recognize that you can handle change, but you need some coping skills and supports to help navigate it. Often, deep feelings and beliefs associated with the word “can’t” can indicate anxiety.
It isn’t bad to think or say these words, but it’s important to check in with yourself and see if these thoughts might be adding up over time and holding you back from living your best life!
Rayelle Davis is a Nationally Board Certified Counselor licensed in Maryland and West Virginia. She is an expert content reviewer for highered.com and a faculty trainer for the American Society of Addiction Medicine. Her research on the diseases of despair and Appalachia fuels her mission to build community centered around accurate and decolonized mental health education.
