REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (ONLY THERE IS A CAUSE – IT’S YOU!)
Rebel- to go against authority
When you think of rebellion, what comes to mind? Does it seem like a positive or a negative?
Beginning in childhood most of us are taught to obey. We want parent approval, teacher approval, peer approval and largely this comes from following the rules. There isn’t anything really unhealthy about obedience. We need a certain amount of law and order. Over time and too often some people can be so “obedient” they don’t have a sense of self or identity without other people telling them who they are. This can take shape in many different ways. Let’s take a look!
Family roles
One area that we get told who we are is through family dynamics. It can be associated with a general title: for example a woman might say “I’ve been someone’s daughter, someone’s wife, someone’s mother. Who am I just as a person?” It can come through the roles we get assigned – the peacekeeper, the scapegoat, the perfect one, the black sheep. Maybe you struggled at some point and now are forever the screw up. Maybe you didn’t want to chop down the family tree so you went into a certain profession or certain relationship because “that’s what we do.” At the same time, parents and other family members usually have some amount of power over us so going against this can feel like we are doing something wrong or bad because we are not obeying the rules.
Socially
In the United States we are being sold something constantly. If only we bought the right thing, our problems would go away. There’s a reason the fitness industry makes a gabillion dollars a year and yet the obesity rate is at an all-time high. How many people have felt lost and depressed in their 20s because of the numerous messages we receive about this being the time of our life, our prime and if we aren’t on a 25 under 25 list what’s the point? Aging is sold as something to rebel against in the form of antiaging creams and potions, dying grays, getting hair implants, having facial injections, surgeries. Do people over 35 even feel passion and romance? Are you even a good parent if you don’t create art in a bento box for your preschooler every day? While these things may not be said directly, the messages are often heard loud and clear to spend and spend because you hate yourself. Spend time, spend money to obey. Curate the perfect Instagram account or your experiences aren’t valuable. If you don’t know who you are, it’s so easy to spend yourself into a hole trying to figure it out.
Professionally
There can be a wide range of soulless obedience wrapped into professional identity that cross family roles and social rules. We discuss the concepts of finding your dream job, that finding a job you love means never going to work, and the importance of following your passion. What if you don’t? What if you did, but what this means changed? Too often we see “top paying college majors” and suddenly every kid wants to be an engineer even though they hate math. Maybe you have always been a teacher, a lawyer, an accountant and want to make a change. Industries are rapidly changing and many professions have changed in scope in recent years. Jobs that didn’t exist 20 years ago are now stable options, but some people important to you might be skeptical and not offer encouragement. Have you received the message that if you didn’t choose to be a doctor or lawyer you deserve to starve? Have you heard that if you are a caregiver feeling overwhelmed that it’s your fault because you chose this role? Under paid professionals need to “suck it up?” This can shape how we think of ourselves in the context of obeying or rebelling along with risk/reward.
So what can we do about it?
Loving yourself and treating yourself with kindness and empathy even when everything around you is telling you that it’s selfish is an act of rebellion. While it takes time to unlearn, I offer the following prompts for self-reflection that can guide you on the path of self-discovery.
1- In no particular order, write a list of the roles you have in life. ( mom, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, friend, parent, step-parent, chef, artist, scientist, student, etc)
1a) What descriptions would you add to go with these roles?
2- Who are you? How would you describe your personality?
3- Who do you want to be?
4- What did you like to do best when you were a kid?
5- Do you still do these things? If no, why not?
6- What are some of your insecurities?
7- Can you remember when you started to have these insecurities? Where do you think these developed?
8- What are you good at? How do you know?
9- What are you not so good at? How do you know?
10- Are there things you do not like about your identity? What are they? Why don’t you like them? Are any of them within your power to change? What are they?
10a) If you can’t change them why not? Is it due to temporary circumstances or something that is a fixed aspect of yourself or your circumstances?
This list is just the beginning with some examples. Self-reflection can help you strengthen your sense of self and life satisfaction. The goal is not that you never buy another treadmill or face cream, but that the things you do are aligned with your values from within and not simply because someone told you.
Rayelle Davis is a Nationally Board Certified Counselor licensed in Maryland and West Virginia. She is an expert content reviewer for highered.com and a faculty trainer for the American Society of Addiction Medicine. Her research on the diseases of despair and Appalachia fuels her mission to build community centered around accurate and decolonized mental health education.
