Addiction Affairs- The Impact of Addiction on a Relationship
Some of the work I have done has involved helping couples rebuild their relationship in recovery from substance use. This can be a tricky stage for everyone involved for many reasons. I often say the relationship rebuild from periods of substance use is like the relationship healing from an affair. People don’t like that if they see the act of cheating on their partner as an ultimate betrayal they would never do. Here’s why I say it anyway:
TRUST!
When someone is in active addiction, that addiction is number 1. People may not realize this because that’s how addiction works. It can convince you that you have everything under control, and no one suspects anything. Affairs have a similar pattern of the cheater feeling they have things under control, and no one suspects anything.
This is often followed by a period of guilt. Guilt from spending money on the addiction, guilt from lying about it, guilt from the time spent planning and using resources that are going to the addiction and not the relationship. An affair also has elements of guilt for the same reasons. Take out addiction and make it affair. The guilt fits.
People often get defensive when they are accused of lying, hiding, acting different. Their partner might think they are overreacting or being too sensitive when they ask about suspicious behaviors like phone numbers they don’t recognize, partners taking longer than usual to run errands or get home from work, money unaccounted for. “Are you having an affair?” is a common question and if the partner is not having an affair, but is in active addiction, when they answer “no” they aren’t lying, but often not offering their partner much comfort either. The people that know us the best are going to know when we act different as much as addiction or the high of a side piece convinces us otherwise.
Eventually, things get out of control, unmanageable. Maybe someone goes to rehab, meetings, whatever is needed for them to get well. There is a stigma around addiction and a stigma around affairs. Their partner is often left feeling betrayed, stupid for not seeing the warning signs and believing their other half when they say nothing is up and they are simply looking for problems that aren’t there, maybe paranoid.
Let’s assume rehab and treatment are successful. Now what?
In addiction treatment it is common to be told “recovery is selfish”. This is largely in part to help people in recovery continue to prioritize their well-being when they are in a less controlled environment. In its extreme this can be taken as someone getting a free pass for general adult responsibilities and that any complaints must be from their partner not understanding their needs. This can be problematic for relationships when the other person has been trying to pay unpaid bills, dealing with gossip, perhaps managing a household and childcare. They may not have a lot of information about addiction. They may view their partner as “cured” after going to rehab and they are ready to get back to a more equal division of responsibilities or even payback to a certain degree. Partner has also been feeling betrayed by being lied to throughout the period of active use. As much as we want things to snap back to normal, there is no such thing. There is the relationship before active addiction, during and then after and in recovery. Recovery is no straight shot. Learning how to function as a partnership is hard anyway and now balancing new skills learned in recovery can be challenging. The other person’s feelings matter too! If they have been lied to and betrayed that takes time to heal. The other half is a person who feels like they have been working so hard to make changes and therefore should “just be trusted.” This is further complicated if someone does have a physical affair or is abusive in ways they would not be if they were not under the influence.
An affair can be a trauma for a relationship and addiction can follow a similar behavioral pattern. The trauma comes from impacting the trust that is the solid ground for any healthy relationship to function. In either case that trust has been breached. It is normal for the partner to be concerned this trauma will occur again and to be on the lookout for signs and left unchecked this can make the partner in recovery feel their efforts are undermined.
With the proper guidance and education around healthy communication and helping each partner be heard, relationships can heal overtime. This takes intentional work. This specific dynamic can benefit from couples therapy. The couples therapy aspect is an often overlooked part of recovery and this makes sense given the time and money involved and the resources that are put into the work of individual recovery. Healing the relationship can serve to strengthen the individual’s work as well since true connection with another human being can serve as a great protective factor against relapse. In addition to couples therapy, many recovery programs include supports for the loved ones and partners of those struggling with addiction. Check out a few at the links below.
Rayelle Davis is a Nationally Board Certified Counselor licensed in Maryland and West Virginia. She is an expert content reviewer for highered.com and a faculty trainer for the American Society of Addiction Medicine. Her research on the diseases of despair and Appalachia fuels her mission to build community centered around accurate and decolonized mental health education.
